Artwork by Sresta Aitharaju
“Why don’t you have a single Hindi playlist?” my friend asked from the passenger seat, scrolling through my music to pick a song.
“Um…” I stammered as I made a right toward our favorite pizzeria, grasping for an answer.
As a lover of everything Bollywood and an expert playlist maker, I should have had at least a few playlists dedicated to Hindi music, especially if I have seven Taylor Swift playlists dedicated to every emotion a human can have. So, why didn’t I? I hadn’t actively thought of that until she pointed it out.
“I guess I just don’t like the reminder of the past,” I responded slowly. I didn’t know I was going to say that until I did. But it was true.
Since immigrating to the United States, I had slowly pushed Hindi music out of my life. Whereas many of my Indian friends grew up in the U.S., I had spent a considerable amount of time in India before moving to the U.S. While I love my life here, I miss certain aspects of life back home, including, but not limited to, the ability to quote Bollywood movies knowing everyone around me will understand, and not having to carry chili flakes in my bag in case the food is too bland.
While the Hindi music I grew up listening to in Delhi reminds me of the past, new Hindi music feels like a separate world 7000 miles away.. Growing up was part of that, but I had changed. I was not the same person as the one before. I became more American, lost my accent, and started watching Hollywood movies without subtitles. The growing chasm of difference was–is–scary, and I had pushed that away.
Back in the car, I realized why I was subconsciously pushing away Bollywood music, even if I hadn’t completely stopped listening to it. I listened to Hindi music at the movies or occasionally played a song or two if I was craving it—yet my consumption had definitely plummeted.
I had hoped to keep my two worlds separate, knowing that my goal was unattainable. I wanted to close the chapter on the past and move forward with my future, but no beginning is truly a beginning and no end is truly the end. We may move forward with our lives, but we can’t leave what was once ours behind. It is part of who we are and who we will become, and I believe we often forget that.