Growing up in a foreign country with two cultures by my side has resulted in an ever-present confusion regarding my identity. I never truly felt like I belonged anywhere, as no one has the same story as me. Sharing my story with other people is not easy; in fact, it has always been the thing that worries me the most. Fear of judgement often inhibits me from telling my full story…the good, the bad, and everything in between.
I was born and raised in Shanghai, China and later I moved to the United States when I was nine. My family practices both the Chinese and the Korean culture. Although the majority of people always find it intriguing that I have a bicultural background, their confusion only serves as another reminder of my differences. When I was younger, the job of introducing my cultural background to others was left to my parents. I may not recall the ways my parents described my Chinese and Korean heritage, but the one thing that sticks with me is the joyful looks on others\’ faces. Everyone showed great enthusiasm when they learned about my family’s culture and history. For a really long time, my cultural background was something that my family celebrated, and something I cherished.
As I moved to the United States, I suddenly became a stranger to myself. There was a new challenge I had to tackle, due in part to my increasing age: introducing myself. I had layers of narratives which I used for introductions; the dramatic shift in my narrative layers was largely a result of moving to a foreign country. When I lived in China, I only had to present one of myself to almost everyone. Since I lived in Shanghai, being Chinese is thought to be a default, therefore I only had to explain my Korean culture. However, coming to the U.S. required me to also acknowledge my Chinese heritage to strangers. I always tried my best to keep introductions short and brief; I never really liked sharing too much about myself, therefore my identity only appeared to be Chinese in many people’s eyes. My lack of presentation of my Korean culture ultimately created the illusion to myself and others that I am trying to hide it from the rest of the world. I was never ashamed of my Korean heritage, but displaying myself with two cultures often restricted my sense of belonging to a community. When I am interacting with my fellow Chinese American friends, I feel like I will be the “odd-one-out” if I bring up my Korean heritage. Since my Korean heritage played a relatively small role in my identity, I never truly fitted in the Korean American community as well. Having others who sympathize with one’s personal experience is crucial; alienation from society is what everyone seeks to avoid. The weight of such a multi-faceted culture left me questioning my identity even more; I often thought to myself, “Why can\’t I have one normal cultural background which I can identify with firmly?” As a result, my cultural background has always been a tabooed subject in my day-to-day conversations. My Korean heritage is not something that I bring up to others, including my closest friends.
Although growing up with two cultures contributed to my confusion and lack of belonging, I’ve learned to value my heritage. Being exposed to two cultures and living in a foreign country ultimately raised my awareness for acknowledging different cultures . I also learned to have empathy towards those who struggle with identity, as mine still remains unclear, and to look deeper into people who may seem one-dimensional on the surface.